MY BIG FEAR

It's funny how much you can fall in love with something in such a short amount of time. After the initial shock receded, I fell deeply in love with this human being that was growing inside me. WE fell hard big time.

If you missed my earlier post, we weren't planning on starting a family. AT thought we were going to start trying in May/June but I was going to renegotiate the terms in May and plead my case for an extension until later that year. Sure, emotionally, financially, relationship-wise we were ready for that next big step. But I knew that a baby changes your life, of course for the better, but it was a change that I wanted to hold off on for a bit longer.

Now that we're expecting, I can't imagine wanting my life to be any other way. It's so cliche, but so true. And now was the start of my biggest fear. Losing the baby. I was freaked out by what I was reading online. Every other woman it seems, had suffered from a miscarriage. And the hardest part was accepting that for the most part, it was something I had no control over. Zilch. Nada.

I began to worry that for this part of my life, since everything has worked out so well for me that something has to give. That I can't possibly continue to be so freaking happy and experience and receive everything I want. The other shoe has to drop at some point, doesn't it?

As I am writing this I am 10weeks 3days, and yes, I am still worried but the level of anxiety has tapered off somewhat with each passing week. I will be more confident about this pregnancy when the 2nd trimester rolls around (12-13 weeks) but I know I will just find more things to worry about at that time.